literature

Is Being 'Full of Life' Okay?

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It keeps going on and on and on without a single hint of ending. The sound of footsteps and droplets echoed off the walls. Every once in awhile, a small hiss could be heard in the distance signaling the need to go in a different direction. She took note on the way the walls and floor looked. After hundreds of years, mankind still hadn’t figured out the reason behind it. The unnaturally crafted pillars and symbols were carved with the most obscure pictures. They were all of different combinations of animals, which were commonly known as Chimeras. There were pictures of snakes with the head of an eagle and at the end of the tail was the stinger of a scorpion. That was just one weird variation! There have been thousands of recorded sightings, perhaps even millions more could still exist and have just yet to be seen, or there have been some other unlucky individuals who have seen hundreds, even thousands of others. Those people had sadly succumbed before being able to share their knowledge with the rest of the world.

What scares her is the fact that all these carvings could represent what lives down here. There have been fewer than ten different sightings of chimeras in these caverns. Some may think of those sightings to be fantastic discoveries for modern day research. Some beg to differ. Chimera sightings were the absolute worst situation to be in. She guessed that her and the two others were now the new discoverers. At least that is what she hoped. She knew that only one of them could live to tell the tale, and she wasn’t one of them. All she could do was make sure that the other one would live.

One question continued to stay stuck in the back of her mind as the pain continued to amplify. Why did this have to happen?

There was once a little girl named Vivian. Her parents named her that since the name means ‘full of life’ and that’s what her mother saw the second she looked at her. At the time, she couldn’t be more than eight. With a name like that, it would only be a matter before curiosity would have her checking out the cave. Her parents had told her that it was like a maze. There were multiple directions to take inside, some of which would be dead ends, or possibly paths to a whole new assortment of paths. Her parents warned her saying how dangerous it was inside. They told her never to go in. She couldn’t understand though why they had gone there. The only answer they gave her was, “It’s our job.”

On a random sunny day, Vivian decided to surprise her parents by showing up at their workplace. Upon making it to the entrance of the cavern, she started to think back to what they had said. Taking two deep breaths, she ventured in. Her mother and father were probably just trying to scare her to keep her out of trouble.

Everything seemed fine. If she could think of any problems she was having, it would be that the cave was poorly lit and was a bit too quiet for comfort. She couldn’t help but admire the carvings on the walls. They gave her an odd form of curiosity. The way something would creep you out, but the more it did, the more you wondered about it.

She yelled out.

“Mommy! Daddy! Where are you?” The only response that came back was her own voice. She decided to venture on in hopes of finding her parents. At one point, she came across a section that had five paths to take. After playing a game of ‘Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe’, she chose the path farthest to the right.

The more she ventured on, the more her flicker of hope continued to diminish. After screaming out once more, a bloodcurdling hiss was let out in the distance. She shut her eyes and tried her hardest to keep the inhuman like scream from breaking her ears. Tears started to well up and slowly crawled down her face.

“Mommy...daddy...I’m scared… Please...help me.” Her voice was now but a mere fraction of how loud it was just a few moments before.

The shrieks were growing louder by the second. The sounds of footsteps added to the horrid noise. She looked around to see a silhouette emerge from the shadows. It looked humanlike. She called out to it.

“Please...can you help…” only to stop mid-sentence.

When the shadowy form started to come into the light, she saw what it really was. It looked like a deformed version of an ape. It was taller than the average ape, but it’s body was much thinner than that of the animal. By how the body looked, it could be said that it hadn’t ate in months. The abs that would be seen on apes were missing, but it’s arms showed resemblance to the animal’s arms. As it limped closer, Vivian noticed the weird shape of it’s legs. It was bending both forwards and backwards giving it an extra limb, almost like when a person broke there thigh in half, except the creature was able to control both of them. What really scared her though was the head. It was definitely the most grotesque thing she had ever seen. The monster was missing a jaw. All she could see was the back of it’s mouth. It’s tongue was just dangling, keeping it’s extremely long neck slobbery. Continuously dripping from it’s mouth was a blue colored liquid. As the drool hit the ground, it began to sizzle just like acid. Even the creature’s eyes were empty like that of a black hole.

She wanted to scream, but held it back. If it couldn’t see her, she could probably sneak off without it knowing. She watched as the creature slowly treaded forwards and shook its head like a dog. She wished it could be as cute though. The drool that was still pouring from its mouth flung in all directions, burning anything it touched.

She was beginning to turn around when a weird tingling was felt on her right arm. That tingly feeling took only a matter a milliseconds to become an intense burning sensation. Vivian screamed in agony as she looked at her arm and saw a droplet of drool on her skin as it bubbled and ripped away at her fragile flesh. The beast heard her screams and charged at her.

Her life flashed before her eyes. She saw her parents there, but it took her a few seconds to realize that it was real, not a memory. Her father blocked off the attack with his sword, but was being pushed back.

“D-daddy!” She reached up for him without processing the situation.

He yelled back at her, “Don’t come closer!”

She stopped only to be pulled into a hug from her mother. “Vivian...Vivian...I’m so sorry.” As her eyes scanned the girl, she gasped, “Your arm! Here!” She grabbed a small elixir from her bag and poured it on her wound. To the girl’s surprise, the wound completely disappeared and felt good as new.

Vivian heard her father scream in pain. She and her mother quickly looked at him, but he instantly said, “Emily, get her and yourself out of here!”

Vivian looked at her mother. She hesitated for a moment, but responded, “Right!” She scooped her up in her arms and ran.

The daughter looked at her mother as she sprinted down the cave that seemed endless. She felt something wet fall on her face. She had been crying, but she knew it wasn’t her tears. She looks up to see the most pained expression her mother has ever worn coupled with the endless supply of tears falling down her cheeks. In the distance, Vivian heard a painful cry of pain and identified the voice as her father.

“Mommy, what will happen to daddy?”

Her mother tried her best to sound as confident as possible, “Your father will be alright. I know and you know how strong he is.”

Vivian looked doubtful, but agreed nonetheless, “Yeah. I guess you're right.”

As Emily continued to go through the endless maze carrying her daughter, her pace slowly started to decline. Her legs also felt like two pillars that were about to lose all their support and crumble. This didn’t go unnoticed by Vivian though. “What’s wrong mommy?”

She tried to crack her daughter a smile to give her some reassurance. “Nothing is wrong. Just a bit tired is all. Don’t worry about it. Your mommy is the strongest one around.” Her breathing was also starting to get heavier and she almost had to pause when saying her sentence.

After about ten more minutes, true light was seen ahead and not the torches that were scattered along the walls. Once outside, Emily put Vivian down. Vivian said to her, “Thanks for saving me mommy!” She wrapped her arms around her mother and gave her a huge hug.

That hug didn’t last long though. Vivian felt her hands getting wet. She pulled them back and examined them, to notice something was immediately wrong. They were both soaked in a thick dark red liquid. Her mother mouthed some words, but nothing came out, except for a cough. The mother was also hit by the acid and was unfortunately out of elixirs.

In that moment, Vivian’s mother fell over on her back. Vivian was in complete shock. It took her a few seconds to fully register what had happened. She dropped on her knees and started to shake her mother. “Mommy...mommy...get up. Please get up! Please...don’t...die!” Her tears were becoming rivers flowing down her face.

Her mother, with the last of her strength, reached a hand up and moved the hair in Vivian’s face to the side. She managed one final smile in the hopes to provide her daughter with any lasting support.

I’m so sorry Vivian. I know our time was short, but I will always love you. So will your father. Goodbye. She wished she could say those words, but it was too late.

Her eyes slowly drifted to a close. Her hand fell and her body laid lifeless. All that was left was a little girl grieving the death of her mother.


The END.
This is the story I worked hard on for my Writer's Craft course at school. I know it may be a bit cheesy at times, but I thing it came out well. I was supposed to have a main character go through the loss of a family member and my story had to be in the fantasy genre. I hope you all like it! I know that my teacher enjoyed it (I hope...). She did give me a 87% or something in it after all. Also, as one last thing before any of you poit it out, I know that my title sucks. I couldn't think of anything good for it.
© 2017 - 2024 TG-Vocalz
Comments10
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msflurker's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

Your ability to describe comes out pretty well in the first three paragraphs. They do a good job of capturing the scene in front of her. It has nice word choice and it has the eery feel of the cave. Despite the vividness of description of the cave it doesn't really feel like it has an impact on the story.

The line "There was once a little girl named Vivian" is jarring coming from that description style. It is both a flashback and that change in tone. The rest of the story seems to follow from that rather than the intro.
There are several times where you break to describe something in the middle of the action, which doesn't really work well. It'd have been better for the descriptions to be part of the action in those instances. For example "What really scared her though was the head. It was definitely the most grotesque thing she had ever seen," could be replaced with "Vivian's gaze was fixed on the aberration that was its head. Seeing its grotesque features alone made her want to run."

From there, the action does a very good job of being fluid until the ending. It matches the confusion of the scene and gives the reader a perspective like Vivian's.

The ending is very nicely captured. with the exception the lack of elixirs likely needed to have been said earlier to justify it. It brings the emotions felt by those in the well-framed scene. The only exception being the elixir supply being empty should have been brought before this.

"Full of life" doesn't really match the tone as she isn't so much full of life as full of curiosity. Really it's a case of curiosity killed the cat

Over all you have done a decent job.